When it came to making Doe, James said since Doe was an extension of myself, I should design him to have qualities of myself.

Originally, I wanted this game to lean into the aesthetics of Yami Kawaii since that Harajuku fashion movement means a lot to me. I hope to be able to dress in Yami Kawaii fashion someday soon. Still, for now, we decided to dress Doe how I usually would dress- ie, hoodies and comfortable clothes that hide my body more than anything.

I did some thinking and decided to do a sort of self-portrait, I wanted Doe to have my old hair and have a bit of fun with it, making the colours nice and vibrant, especially so they could contrast with Id later on.

This was my first design for Doe. I wanted to include several things that would encompass the fact that it was me, including, the ripped jeans I would always wear, painted nails, my bracelets (the blue one telling the day of the week- Thursday), and the most obvious, the bandages.

In an honest reflection, I have struggled with self-harm for several years now, and will often try to hide it. Through Doe, I wanted to show that even if they wear hoodies or jumpers, the bandages can still show a hint of shame or desperation to hide the harm they did to themselves. Where it reflects on me and myself, I was a little nervous about trying to put this out into the world, but because I want to create a game that has representation that I hardly see in the games industry, I ended up committing and wanting to really show a side of myself and games that needs to be seen more.

This was the final design for Doe Dearest. Still wanting to keep on a more pastel layout, I had it so the jumper would be one that I would adore having and if I did, would probably wear all the time. I kept the hair and eyes the same, I just thought that having a hoodie would be a lot more beneficial for the overall look. It was also funny, as when I was designing this character, I found myself liking the hoodie more than the jumper as it even covered Doe’s body a little more in a way that made me like it and not feel dysphoric about it. It was strange to see it like that since Doe is a fictional character, but I guess as he is an extension of me, it would make sense that I would be a little more critical of his looks.

I was really happy with the concept overall, and when I showed it to my friends, they could definitely see me in the design.

Now onto Id.

With Id, it wasn’t very hard to design them as I drew them after I had redone my design of Doe. I wanted Id to be like Doe, but have an almost contrasting palette. I ended up inverting things like the hair colour and even the blush.

If I was anxious about showing off Doe, then showing off Id was a whole other kettle of fish. I was really putting myself out there with Id, showing the actual scars on their arms was one of the major thing I was afraid to do. While I want to show representation, I needed to be subtle in a way where even in the game I am not trying to shove it in your face. Here it is there to be seen and may be commented on in the script, but the sole purpose is representation. Id is the manifestation of Doe’s darkest thoughts, so it would make sense to make them more brash, accusatory and have some of Doe’s anxieties come to light. The arms are what you would see on Doe if his sleeves were fully rolled up was what I wanted to imply, both showing off this ‘shame’ but in a way trying to show that showing off self-harm scars by simply rolling up a sleeve should be normalised. You should be allowed to be comfortable and Id shows that while they are somewhat to be an ass and push Doe over the edge, there is also a desire to stop hiding.

It was actually fun to design Id. Having it so you can’t really see their face as I struggle with my own reflection, so have an enemy that looks vaguely like you, but with nothing to fully definy you as ‘you’ without the scars, it’s a concept that stays with me a lot.

I myself am learning more about loving myself and the body I’ve come to have, and I want Doe and even Id to be able to have that explored through the game.